Tag Archives: loss

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ab irato

Categories: Poems, Tags: , , , , , , , ,

ab irato

I try not to listen, or remember.
Each thread of you spools around my heart,
tightly wound so that it swells. I dream
of a rib, bruised. Mind follows; a dark speck
against the backdrop of years.

Whatever you meant to destroy, you
succeeded. Always a shadow in your midst,
silent & hungry. A girl on a wall, looking to
escape the empty hours.

Nothing ever changes
for long.

A seagull flies above, not concerned
with its kind, or their whereabouts.
I imagine, like me, it must have found
the waves

too intrusive & cold. All the noise
& hypocrisy

Unbearable.

You smirk like a dictator
who has divided & conquered.
You look at your reflection

with the sort of satisfaction
that only your kind can know.

Nobody suspects you of anything.
How utterly charming you are.

– Heather Lenz

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Team Uncle

Categories: Poems, Tags: , , , , ,

Hug

Team Uncle

You with your Florida tan
set against blue eyes of secrets.
& your smile, the warmth of your hug,
your kiss on my pale cheek.

I could see so many things
you could not say to those
around you, how you listened

quietly & sometimes shook your head
at the way we all become or think or
revel in our own lost ways.

& I remember when we played
the bean-bag toss that summer day,
how your knees ached & I could see
your difficulty.

I bent down & picked them up for
you…

You said “thank you, darlin” each time &
who knew that would be our first & final
games together.

The last time I saw you was on
your birthday, basking in the sun &
content it wasn’t raining in Seattle.

I leaned down to hug you,
wish you a Happy one.
A kiss on my neck like a sweet

Florida orange. A finality I did not
yet know.

& I heard about those
hurricanes that demolished your
childhood. How angry my inward

fits have been, (knowing all too well
how cradles can fall at various speeds).

I guess I’m just writing this
to tell you, that wherever you
are now…

I’m still on your team.

-Heather Lenz
February 16, 2016

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Rain & Hail

Categories: Poems, Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

 

Unsplash / Pixabay

 

Rain & Hail

It’s pelting against my window- I can’t sleep.
The birds left scars of beauty in sunlight-
I watched them feed & thought of you- your
final flight or descent. And, I know where that
place is- that which holds so much terror you
dare not breathe. Where you are afraid of your
own reflection & the expectations of a world that
knows so little of your soul. The seeds you planted.

The costume you wore for days on end. The way you
smiled while hugging a tree & from what I was told
you’d never raise your voice. You didn’t know your
rarity or heroism. Somewhere down the line after

you tried to settle back in, it all got so clouded &
I did not know you so I could not reach you. But, I
know your kind, am your kind, would have loved you
frequently & with assurance. And my heart collapses

to see your eyes in your father’s eyes & the heart
in him torn asunder, that I can do little about.

I wrote a poem that was inspired by your father’s
love, you know. Just as I am writing this while I hurt
in ways that not be named or openly
discussed. This is what makes me wish you alive

even more- to know that you felt that bad & I,
by some miracle of a god I’m very pissed off at,
might have found you & helped you make the
shadows, moonbeams, birds or
whatever was your favorite country song to sing…
rise up & call us in-  then dance the pain away.

I am sorry for our kind-  for various warriors.

Every great heart that turns inward. Every
thought or tear that rises within the morning
of rain and hail, is filled with you & your father

as he slowly gets out of bed & sees your eyes in his-

then echoes his cries in the shock of you gone.

& the blue skies of
seldom summers, that you

fought so hard to defend.

~Heather Lenz
Dec. 2015

in loving memory and respect for E.D.

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Journal Entry 5/29/2010

Categories: Journal, Tags: , , , ,

YummyLOVE LIFE

Saturday May 29, 2010

There is a white butterfly flying around my deck today. It is extraordinary.

It seems I am starting to miscarry. I am more hurt for Jacob than anything. He sobbed so profusely when I told him.

This is the third time in my life this has happened. This morning I awoke and started weeping. I almost made it past the first trimester. I think it is more stress-related than anything. There has been way too much stress lately. Just when I thought things were calming down.

I am so blessed and thankful though, that the lump I felt in my left breast turned out to be benign. I thank the Lord for this.

Bobby and I might try for another baby once everything clears up. Jacob wants a sibling so very, very much.

~Heather Lenz

 

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Gathering

Categories: Poems, Tags: , , , ,

Shoe Box

The grass glistens religiously,
a replica of your reflection in the window
where the music whispered
a departure from your lips.

Even now, I keep the wind diluted
in this cup, and recognize the taste of bread
as a smell sifting from the Creek Cafe.

The weight of this rush amuses me.
I organize answers, and waste a box
of memories on your touch.

~Heather Lenz

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